Saturday, October 28, 2006

why is it always that my to-do list is endless during school semesters but when holidays (well, sort of) finally arrive, all the plans or things that i wanted to get down to doing never seem to happen or are just simply forgotten? i just end up wasting my free days and ranting about how bored i am in here, like today.

met apr, jingying, joy, kw, jh and sasa yesterday at cineleisure. then crossed over to heeren to take prints. the first level is done with the renovations at last. then mac-ed at taka. met two weirdos there. went shopping with clarissa last night. i bought an eighteen-dollars plain black dress from some unknown shop. lol. then went to topshop. topshop spells trouble for me, in a way. i bought the denim skirt i've been longing for. i almost skipped past the last size 8. i also bought a shirt, a tube and two pairs of knickers! sasa won another toniandguy voucher on my topshop card! lol. you can probably figure out the total amount by now so i should seriously stop spending money now, although this it is kind of impossible for me, especially when the holidays are approaching. anyways, walked around a bit more explored That CD Shop. it's really nice! took the last train home. met another weirdo on the train. we missed the last bus but luckily for us, mitchy, aldie and shaik were at tanah merah too, so they walked us back to our homes. heh.

but anyway, as i was saying, today was utterly boring. my mom and maid kept stuffing me with meals. it's so freaking irritating when i'm not even hungry but yet i have to stuff the fucking food down my esophagus. my maid bought late lunch for me and i started eating at 4pm. then she comes up to collect the plastic container after i've finished and guess what she asks my mom? she asks her what should she do for dinner. like, for pete's sake, i just finished eating and you want me to think about food again. my mom had to be having her damn moodswings and she raised her voice at me when i told her i was full. so at 7pm, i reluctantly went down for fried beehoon. then she started one of her looooooooong lectures again. she was complaining to me about my bad attitude and my pissed off face that i return home with everyday be it after school or even after a long day out. she claims that it has gotten so bad that she needs to talk it out with me. she asked me what was wrong with me recently, with my caring more about friends than family (which is not true). she also inquired about what could be bothering me so much. she wanted to know what is making me upset everyday. it's true. i find myself glum whenever i reach home and i always do not feel like talking much to my mom or brother on some days.
well, i'll tell you what's making me so upset everyday:

x i hate the fact that i have absolutely nothing to do when i reach home.
x i really dislike my brother whenever he announces to my mum 'hey, look at the thing. it's back.' right after i enter the master bedroom when i reach home.
x i despise him even more when i realise that he is hogging onto the computer, which offers the only snippet of entertainment for me.
x i can't stand it too when my brother returns home later than me in a good mood, probably due to a makeout session or whatever, and talks to my mom all enthusiastic about his great day out and then, noticing that i'm all quiet, condemning me as a thing yet again.
x i totally loathe him when he returns home in a bad mood, probably after a quarrel or school, and manages to spoil the entire atmosphere of the room once he enters, along with his violent tendencies all spilling out as he rants on about how he feels that his life is fucked up.
x i resent him when he almost automatically pauses/changes the music that im listening to when he returns home thanks to his intense hate for three-quarters of the music that i like - good mood or bad mood, it's the same.
x i do not appreciate the humid weather in singapore at all.
x i detest the messages and calls i get from my mom asking me to go home once it hits midnight.
x i am tired of enduring my mom when she is beading and gets all frustrated by them and later, throws her temper on us. but more often, on me.
x i am so sick of the insane heat that i have to walk under to get home after school.
x i am extremely irritated with fucking cca because they just wouldn't get off my back.
x i totally do not enjoy it when they tell me that my name has been sent to the principle and i will spend the rest of the day thinking about what will happen to me in school the next day.
x i am angry with myself for the lack of goals that i set for myself and how many i actually do achieve out of so few.
x i am disappointed with myself that out of all the relationships i've ever had, if you even count them as real romantically-linked reationships, none lasted more than four months.
x i am filled up to my neck with disdain at my stupidity to be able to get cheated/dumped/played over and over again in one long row.
x i am stunned, at first, by my idioticness to let the guy who was really being true go. but afterwards, i learn that it is actually better this way.
x i look back at my old (maybe still there) crushes and find them constantly changing partners but know that they'll never be with me, ever, and i get sad.
x i browse through gorgeous girls' friendsters and blogs and find that their lives are 290489847 times more interesting than mine will ever be.
x i am disgusted with myself for being so fucking lazy, so boring and so... unfun.

i abhor time for passing so fast.
yet, at the same time, i wish time would pass faster.

three cheers for vanity - 8:40 PM